Category Archives: Humor

Just How Many is “Everyone”?

His problems are many, but he is only one person.

Ah, language.  I remember a while back, being a passenger in a car with a friend of mine. We were at a fast food drive though because he had a coupon.  So he placed our order and told the attendant on the other side of the speaker he had a coupon.  The attendant asked him “How many people are in the car?”

My friend replied , “All of us!”

I say this because when you are opening up an incident ticket, it may ask you how many people this incident is affecting.  Even if you have multiple personalities, if you are the only one affected, then you are the only one affected.  Saying that this is affecting the whole company when obviously it is not is more likely to get a hearty laugh from the person who gets your incident (along with a few other people on the desk). This is basically known on the desk as lying about your situation in order to have someone look at it “right now!”

Protip: This never, ever works.

You see, yes, we jump on emergencies with both feet.  We’re the high tech firemen and women, trying to make sure that real four alarm fires are taken care of quickly.  We want to help everyone, but we have to set priorities.  Sometimes we can get to you immediately. Sometimes, we can’t.  But we will, as soon as we can.

Do it enough times, and your name will become well known as someone who is trying to game the system.  Yes, we talk about people like you in between putting out fires. When we see that the incident is not the level of everyone in the country catching Ebola at the same time, we set the ticket to reality.  if you really are adamant about doing this continuously, we’ll have a conversation with your boss about it.

And that is a ticket, I don’t think you want.

And you are moving this into production, because…?

And I said “Get out of here, you Loch Ness Monster!”Let us say you are world famous fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld. You are getting ready to present your fall line to the public.  The lights go down, the models are ready to go and the show begins.

The first model hits the runway and about halfway down, Anna Wintour, editor of Vogue Magazine, suddenly jumps up and says “Darling that makeup is all wrong” and stops the model and proceeds to redo the model’s make up in front of the world’s fashion press.

What would you do?  Well, if you were Karl Lagerfeld, chances are you’d be in a Paris jail for beating Anna Wintour to death with a stiletto in front of Kanye West.  But basically this is what we in operations have to deal with on a daily basis.  Someone on the business side sees “something wrong”,  runs down to IT, grabs a developer and yells “FIX IT NOW”.  Now, there are a few thing blatantly wrong with this.  To start:

  1. Is it really wrong?  The same rules should be applying to everything, so if one data point is off for one, shouldn’t it be off for everyone?
  2. How is it wrong?  How off is the calculation? Exactly what should it be?
  3. Who are you and why are you in here yelling at a developer?  I’m  Operations.  I should be yelling at the developer, not you.  Shouldn’t you be talking to the project manager and going over what the rules are?

And of course, the one question that everyone misses.  What time is it? You see making changes in production is something that is dependent upon timing.  And timing in operations is like timing in comedy – it is everything.  There are risks involved with dropping changes into production in the middle of the day like a hot mic.  I need a reason why you are hell bent on shoving this in at lunch time.  Not because it is my lunch time (which really never matters), but because I have to answer for its possible failure.  There are reasons why changes are done during low traffic hours.  It doesn’t affect as many people if and when it blows up.  There is also the question of verification.  When this change goes in, how long do we need to wait to make sure that everything is OK?  If it is so important that your boss is two steps from an aneurism, then why does it take you three days to verify the procedure was done correctly?  Just saying.

Oh yeah, do the paperwork.  It’s not a problem if there’s not a ticket.  And straighten you tie.  Anna hates that.

The Resume: Spring Collection

edna_thumb.jpgThe time has come to face the facts. I came to a realization a couple of weekends ago watching CNN. Specifically, the conversation was about the job market and finding that “dream job” that everyone talks about but very few apparently have. And so the conversation boiled down to that old standby, the resume. Listening to these people going back and forth over what needs to be seen and what is a faux-pas of epic proportions, it hit me that really they were talking about fashion; that the resume is basically what one’s style is, not one’s substance. And I came to the conclusion: much like Anna Wintour at Vogue every now and then proclaims that Brown is the new Black, I am proclaiming the heresy of heresies: the resume is dead.

You read it here, folks. The resume is dead. Gone. Not ever to return. Not even a “long live the resume”. Finished. Ka-put, dahling.

Why, you may ask? Let’s looks at this in the cold light of day, shall we? If you look at all the “tips” you hear about writing the “perfect” resume, you’ll drive yourself over the cliff. From all the tips you hear, the perfect resume is tailored specifically to the exact position you are going for, so that it reflects the fact that you are the person for that position. It must be one page long, covers everything you ever did in twelve point type, has every keyword a recruiter will ever use and never, never looks too crowded or too sparse. Also there must be space for someone to take notes.

In addition, if you are changing professions, a functional resume is great as long as it is in chronological order. You also need to let any future employer know exactly what you have done, but since your work responsibilities always fit underneath that job title perfectly, mentioning what those responsibilities actually were is redundant and therefore should not be included. You need to boldly list your accomplishments, but do so in a way that does not look like you’re bragging.

This would be all well and good, except it really doesn’t matter anyway, because all those resumes that are handed out at job fairs and the like are basically thrown into the trash once they make it back to the HR office. Well, that is if someone even accepts them. “You’ll need to visit our website” is the latest catchphrase that basically means “Keep that filthy piece of paper out of my face”. And what does that website ask you to do? Put your resume in their format. So there you are, rewriting your resume yet again in a format that does not allow you to do any of the things the talking heads on CNN just told you to do.

I think I had come to this realization some time ago, when a recruiter basically took my resume and immediately asked where the keywords were? I replied that the systems I have used are at the top of the page. “No, no.” she said, “You need to list keywords for every single job you have on the resume, even if it seems redundant. Hiring managers are only looking at keywords these days.” I wanted to tell her that any hiring manager that makes decisions based on single words and not the substance should be looking a job themselves, but decided against it.  I glad that I held off, because after some research, she was right.

There is an interesting white paper from The Sierra Group, entitled “The Traditional Resume is Dead: The Technology Behind Recruiting”. In four pages, they point out that recruiting has become an assembly line process for most employers, and that the practice of resume blasting has increased the load of resumes greatly for companies. The result? You are never going to stand out no matter how good your resume is. Given this economy, the chances of them finding you through the noise of useless resumes are greatly reduced. Remember, Human Resource Managers are more interested in finding the best candidate or candidates, not just those who meet some minimum standard of a screening process.

So, with all these barriers to the traditional resume, how do you break through? Networking sites like LinkedIn are the main way that people are reaching each other. I have known people who basically do nothing but find out who the best recruiters are for their area, link to them and then cyber stalk them. Creepy for some, but, some folks are that desperate.

Other than that, the answer to the question of breaking through to get that job varies from person to person. One thing is certain. The old ways of job searching are long gone. Just like Brown is the new Black. At least for this season.