I travel. A lot. I’m that level just below road warrior. Call it road kill. Life has changed since the golden days of flying, when everyone dressed to the nines, real food was served on airline china and flight attendants were called stewardesses. Yeah, those days are gone. Flying has become a commodity for all the right and wrong reasons. Today we are shuffled like cattle, squeezed into seats made for munchkins and made to deal with our fellow man on a forced basis. Anyway, I just finished up a one-connect red-eye from hell. And so, since I’m feeling somewhat cranky as a result, I wish to remind some of my fellow travelers about a couple of those little rules about traveling in the 21st century. I do this especially since the travel “silly season” is upon us, where everyone out there who does not have a clue, purchases an overpriced seat to go to that overpriced dream place for a too short a period of time.
First, you know those rules the TSA has about liquids? Yeah, they are an idiotic pain in the butt, and that’s putting it mildly. But do us all a favor. Tell it to your congressman. Tell it to the President. Tell it to someone who can actually change things. Do not tell the TSA agent. They do not care that the twenty-four ounce bottle of shampoo you have to carry on retails for seventy-five dollars and contains the placentas of genetically engineered blue-eyed fruit bats. And neither do the rest of us waiting in line. The rules, no matter how Kafkaesque they may seem are not going to change just because you think they magically do not apply to you. Become an activist - on your own time.
Next up, I know that the airlines are scumbags for charging for checked bags. But really, do you have to pack up the plantation like the Beverly Hillbillies and try to stuff it into three oversized bags and then try to pretend they are two carry-ons? You are traveling on an airplane, not escaping the Bolsheviks. Learn to pack lightly. Here’s a useful tip. Take everything you want to take for your trip and the night before you leave, cut that pile in half. It actually works.
When you are on vacation, you buy stuff. Do yourself a huge favor – See if the place you bought your stuff from will ship to your home. Less things to try to keep track of. And less things you have to pack on the way home.
The flight attendants are there to prevent me from strangling your progeny and stuffing their lifeless body into the overhead bins. You can help too. I do not care that your precious is an honor student; all I care about is that your precious keeps kicking the back of my seat. Be aware that this is a tiny place we are stuck in for the next two to five hours. I do not want to kill anyone. So stop making it so tempting to do so.
And yes, sometimes a flight attendant can be a real b*tch. They have to be when they put up with people like you. There is a saying: “How best to act a King, when always treated like a King”. The service industry has a habit of treating even the most petty tyrant with respect. Try to do the same for the flight attendant.
The point to this is simple; we are fellow travelers in a confined space for a short period of time. Travel is not about you; it is about the journey itself. Be aware there are other people around you and act accordingly. Smile to each other. The food isn’t great, if there is any, the coffee lukewarm and the conversation minimal at times. That is the way of the road. Be a warrior, but be a gentle one.
